Worry...

It's funny how worrying never changes anything, and yet I am so prone to it. I worry about a lot of things:

where I will work, how I look, how much money I make, if the bills will be paid next month... or this month, how clean my house/clothes are, whether things are in their place, whether I turned off the oven or let my dog outside one more time, etc, etc.

The list goes on. It is seemingly endless including anything and everything that is so apparently important...

Only one thing seems to lack. It is the most important of all, and I find myself forgetting, maybe even choosing to forget, how much it really does matter.

Whether or not I can pay my taxes, rent, medical expenses, electricity isn't as important as I make it out to be. Don't get me wrong. I do pay my bills and realize the importance of working to be able to do so, but I think I put way too much emphasis on the worrying part: "Where am I going to get this much money?" as opposed to trusting the One who got me to a point where I would even have bills to pay. I hope that made sense...

So, what do I really need? I am not sure I have any concept. "Oh the differences that often are between everything [I] want and what [I] really need." I really do believe that God provides. Why I am so willing to cling to the "maybe He won't?"

I think sometimes I associate grace with daily provisions... in a very literal sense... if I, in my small, puny, human mindset, don't receive what I think I need, then I am also not receiving grace. Thus, bringing me to the conclusion of: "I am horrible and don't (or do) deserve ____." Of course, I know this isn't true, but, unfortunately it is, quite often, how my mind works. Wouldn't it be great if knowing and feeling were the same thing?

Anyways, I fear... not my Lord and Savior as I should... and often claim to do. I fear not having enough. I fear not being good enough. I fear not loving enough. I fear loving too much... sometimes I fear love itself. I fear needing... in fact, I despise needing anything, including grace. I fear being who I am intended to be, and I fear not being her too. I fear death, but sometimes I still long for it. I fear pain, but that doesn't stop me from self-infliction, not physically, but rather with thoughts of "what if" and "if only". I fear reality and all that comes with it... because all too often it hurts. Then, when it doesn't, I am even more afraid because it is new territory. I fear the unknown, and as a result, I fear my thoughts, my tears, my desires... I fear me... because "the gap grows wider between who I am and all I aspire to be."

So, how do I stop the worrying? I mean, I don't want to worry... It's not like I enjoy it. Sometimes it feels like all the praying and "giving it to the Lord" hasn't made a difference. Have I really given it to Him then? How can I be sure? Why am I so desperate to take it back? And is it a one-time deal or an every-second-of-every-day kind of thing?

Despite knowing what is true, I just want to feel safe... like I am being taken care of by Someone who is good.