... and yet…
“For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” (Matthew 16:26)
“For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25)
“For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?” (Mark 8:36)
I keep thinking how much easier life would be if I didn’t have to worry about money, if I didn’t have to wonder how in the world I was going to pay my bills each month or how I was going to afford to buy groceries. What happens when you no longer have any toilet paper, but you still have to “go”?
In my opinion, money is a trap. Whether it’s a lack of it or an overabundance, it doesn’t matter because, all too often, it becomes the recipient of my reliance. Maybe that is why God decided I shouldn’t have any. He wants me to trust Him, to rely upon Him to meet my needs… even if that means breaking my pride into pieces of humility.
For the past few months, I have been unable to make ends meet for myself. I have had to rely upon others in a way that feels extremely unnatural and, if I’m completely honest, a little embarrassing. I used to hate being “needy”. I didn’t want to sleep because that implied I needed rest. I even despised the fact that I had to breath because that meant I needed air, something outside my own ability to sustain. What a silly way to think! That, in and of myself, I could be sufficient?! If I had the means to gain “everything I ever wanted”, how much more would I lose?
If I had a million dollars, what would I do? Would I give it to those who need it more than I do? Would I pay off all my loans? Would I tithe? How much? In excess of 10%? The bare minimum? Or from the leftovers that remain after meeting my own wants and supposed needs?
I'll be honest, the last few months have been terribly scary for me. I resigned from a job without having another one in place. I knew God wanted me to step down from that position, so despite feeling as though I were preparing to jump without a parachute, I asked "How high?" and took the plunge. What I hated the most, however, had little do to do with falling and everything to do with not being in control.
Timing. It's everything. If I had control, I'd probably pull way too soon and miss the rush of taking a risk*, or perhaps I would pull too late and... well, you get the picture. *Please note that "taking a risk" does not provide an excuse for stupidity. Sure, God may call me to do something that seems bizarre; however, that doesn't necessarily mean I should jump off my roof to try and fly.*
Sometimes we cannot accomplish God’s will on our own. Scratch that! We can never accomplish God’s will on our own. First, we need Him. Secondly, we need community. We need to provide and rely. Sometimes we are in a place where we can give in abundance, and other times we are in a place where are the one to receive without the means to return the favor. Neither place is wrong. Over the past few months, I have been in the latter position… the receiver who is unable to give back, and although I am deeply appreciative, I have considered the entire time, how I would be able to repay those who have so generously given. I forgot the beauty of a gift and that, sometimes, it's even OK to ask.
My freshman year of college, a good friend of mine tried to give me his blue guitar. I told him “no”, that I couldn’t take his favorite guitar. A couple of years later he told me that I had “robbed him of the joy of giving”. Sure, the guitar was his favorite, but he had decided that he would experience greater joy in giving it to me… but I refused. I turned my back on his precious offering because of my pride.
I have given gifts to people who say, “How much did you spend?” or “You should not have!” Sometimes I want to punch those people in the face! Ok, not really, but I have been deeply saddened because I had been robbed of the privilege of sharing their delight. I finally understood what my dear friend Andy meant. I can also remember a few times when I have given a gift to someone I consider a “good receiver”. She jumped up and down and said, “Thank you!!!” with such refreshing enthusiasm. The joy I felt was inexplicable. I gave the gift without expectation of anything in return.
Consider how life might be if we all lived in such a way where we could give without expectation and receive with a mere, yet infinitely significant, "thank you", without the need to repay. Perhaps it might make asking for help a little easier... which would be nice, considering how hard I currently find it! Perhaps we might not feel as guilty when we admit we cannot do things on our own. Perhaps it doesn't even matter because, in the most beautiful way possible, I am nothing… resting in the sufficiency and abundance of One who has supplied, is supplying, and will supply all of my needs (Philippians 4:19).
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." - John 15:5-7
"But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as He chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body... God has so composed the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." - 1 Corinthians 12:18-20, 24b-27
"And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" - Matthew 25:40
