What Love Really Means... An Excerpt from "I Know You Well"

Of all the biblical characters, I identify most with Mary Magdalene. A woman with an insurmountable number of sins. Though no worse on the “sin-scale” than those of her peers, the blatantly visible consequences were infinitely more extreme. As a result, she was treated differently. She was ridiculed; she was shunned; and she was condemned. No one in their “right mind” associated with her by choice… unless, of course, it was under the cover of nightfall, with the understanding that, in the morning, a stone or two would likely be thrown in broad daylight.

Though I have never been the target of a rock, I remember a time where I wished that the stones being thrown at me were tangible. Shortly after giving my public testimony for the first time, I walked into a room where everyone stopped talking, and all the eyes in the room turned to face me. At first I thought I must have forgotten to brush my hair or zip a zipper. Maybe I even had food in my teeth or something hanging from my nose. The silence, however, lingered… just a little too long, and I knew. I had opened my heart, and it had been trampled upon. I sensed my bare heart, raw and broken, beating slowly in the center of the group while simultaneously feeling the heavy, painful pulse in my chest.

It didn’t make sense. These were the people who were supposed to respond in love, and yet the moment my sin became visible, all I felt was disdain. I turned, and I fled. I still wonder what might have happened if I confronted the group or what might happen if I went back and shared how I experienced that moment. Then, I remember the danger of all my “what if’s” and "if only's" are.

After I left, I couldn’t go home, so I drove to a nearby lake and sat on the beach. It was early and still chilly, but I needed place to be alone and to hurt. As I wiggled by toes in the sand, I felt a presence next to me. It was Him.

“How did you get here?” I asked.

“I am everywhere and right here.”

“You know, You make no sense all to me most of the time.”

“I know, and that’s OK. I know you well. One of these days you will know Me well too.”

I smiled a half smile. I couldn’t help thinking… 1) I don’t want You to know me and 2) How could He even say that if He really did know me?

“Will you let Me show you?”

“HUH?"

He bent at the waist and began to make marks in the sand. I strained to see, but He said, “Wait, I will show you what you need when you need it and only then.”

So, I waited… but the part that I did see made the weight on my heart just a little lighter.