Seasoned

Journal excerpt from 10/1/2009

“I can hardly believe it is October! I was walking my dog this evening, and just between London Plain and Mint Court, I breathed in the unmistakable scent of autumn: crushed leaves, dirt, and the stinkbug who so fondly reminded me of my favorite seasoning. It was a delightful moment.

The morning dawned gloriously brilliant with sunshine forcing me squint through into the light. I suppose that is because I refused to wear sunglasses today out of sheer determination to allow as much radiance to penetrate my soul.

After a full morning of meetings and counseling, a surprise cancellation allowed me to meet some very dear friends for lunch. What a privilege it was! To engage in fellowship with those who are united in heart and mind is sweeter than crystallized honey, and I relished every moment... including the extra dash of sarcasm here and there. As we sat and talked, I was challenged to consider what path I would take if money were not an issue in life, following the Lord’s leading and trusting that all things are possible with Him.

For years, I have been certain that I has called me to be a part of starting a home for troubled girls. For years, I have questioned the reality and likelihood of this calling because money has always been an issue. A few hours ago, however, when I was challenged to consider how I would start a home if the financial aspect did not need to be accounted for, I had to pause. I am so passionate about God's calling, and as my day progressed, I felt the intensity increase... considering the fact that my God is not limited to my savings account.

My last client of the day was probably the hardest session I have ever had, a teenage girl whose horror stories left me sick to my stomach. I left my office in tears wishing there was a place for this young lady to go and feel safe. Safe from the individuals whose only desire was to beat her to a bloody pulp and delight in her pain. Safe from the streets she had known for years. Safe in the arms of people who were passionate about loving her to Grace and Mercy. She has never known safety. She has never heard the words ‘I love you’ with the expectation to perform. ‘Love is a joke,’ she said, ‘and I laugh to get through a day. If I don’t, I won’t make it.’ She fought desperately for apathy throughout the entire session, a bit of an oxymoron, but by the end of our time together, she was in tears to the point of hyperventilating. My heart was crying with her. When she walked out the door, all previously successful attempts to ‘hold it together’ immediately failed, and Angel Falls began a new course over my previously ‘composed’ face. I find it interesting that the world's largest waterfall, where flowing water rapidly drops, includes Angel in its name… as if were the tears of the angels themselves rushing over the cliffs of Heaven to the depths of the earth.

I have wrestled in my head and heart for many hours this evening, unable to fall asleep. Sitting here, I am realizing that not only am I deeply upset from this session, I have also been upset that I can’t just ‘leave it at work’. It's the first time this has happened, but I keep thinking that as someone intent on being a licensed professional therapist, I shouldn’t be so deeply affected, so hurt with her clients, and so intensely angry towards those who inflicted pain. At the same time though, I have to ask myself, do I really want these stories not to hurt? Am I willing to sacrifice my breaking heart for a more developed one that has the potential for rigidity and callousness? I hope not.

As I think back on my own life, the dark places I have been, my heart aches for the many girls who are still there. I’m crying even now because I desire to see them experience LIFE and FREEDOM. I have no doubt that both are found in Christ’s TRUTH, and I desperately long to be a part of helping them be reconciled to that Truth. The Greek word ‘katallasso’ literally means ‘to change from enmity to friendship, to reconcile’. ‘Apokatallasso’ means ‘to reconcile completely’ by ‘changing from one condition to another’. Beautiful.

For years, I wondered why I went through so much pain. I was angry with God for letting me be so broken and beaten down, but I know now that despite the enemy’s purpose to use evil for evil, God meant it and purposed it for His glory and my good. My past is not an accident that God had to ‘fix’. I delight in remembering it for the purpose of celebrating my freedom and offering hope to those who are as lost, scared, and alone as I was. I love sharing my story… not for the purpose of glorifying my sin, but rather glorifying my God who is infinitely bigger. I get so excited about His Grace and Mercy that I just want to dance and sing. Sometimes I do… in the middle of the night with tears dripping down my cheeks because I am overwhelmed by the Passion of a God who would delight in pursuing, rescuing, and fellowshipping with me. I love Him, and I cannot quench the desire to glorify Him by offering Mercy and Grace to young girls desperately in need of His love.

So, if money were not an issue and Lord opened the door, the planning would start now - safe places to express the hurt and pain without fear of rejection or punishment, bedrooms filled with Light and Love, music, art, nature, laughter, tears, hope, love, and joy. There will be Passion… seasoned and ripe for the Harvest.

Bring on the rain.”