What a Girl Wants

“Patience is a virtue so You tell, but I can’t wait for You to take my breath away.”

Do I mean “can’t wait” in the sense that I am impatient, or do I mean it in a sense of healthy anticipation? Can I mean both? Please?

“Hayakushite!”

Hurry up!

“Choto-mate-kudasai.”

Wait a minute, please.

I lived in Japan for two years. These are two of the phrases I knew the best, aside from “where’s the bathroom” of course, which, even then, I still probably used the first phrase in conjunction with it because I firmly believe that God created my bladder with a capacity significantly smaller than the average human bladder’s capacity of 17 fluid ounces.

My patience, or lack thereof, is born out of my pride. Me first and get out of my way.

It is also born out of my discomfort. I am miserable; make me happy.

Me first.

Speed dial.

Speed dating.

Speed channel.

Get rich quick.

Lose weight fast.

Now, now, now. Me, me, me.

We live in expedia.com.

So, I act. I act because I refuse to be still and wait. All because I doubt that God is truly for me.

Awhile ago, I went to the beach early one Saturday. I started the almost two-hour drive to Wilmington at 4:45AM because I wanted to see the sunrise. I made it, and it was well-worth it. Buster went with me. For the most part, the day was overcast and cool, but it made the beach a solitary place, which was my whole reason for going. It was a sweet opportunity to sit with the Lord and be still. I stayed for almost 7 hours. No one was there… except for a very occasional wanderer. I got to read, pray, cry, laugh out loud, run around with Buster and play in the waves, sing loudly, and dance like nobody was watching. Yeah, I did all that alone with an audience of One. OK, two if you count Buster.

I also remember writing a lot. It's always interesting to go back in time and see growth and change. Remember the Dr. Seuss book "Oh the Places You'll Go"? There ought to be one entitled "Oh the Places You've Been, But Look at You Now". It was bittersweet to re-experience that moment:

“I am sitting at the beach. It is overcast and cool, but I have gotten away… even if it is only for a few hours. The waves are HUGE, a reminder of the majesty of the One who created them. His words tickle my ears even now, whispered above the roar of the waves and sending ribbons of Truth swirling to the depths of my soul. As I think about my past, I am convicted, not with guilt over what has been, but convicted because I realize that I have had an abortion every single day of my life… not in the sense of lying on a surgical table with legs spread-eagle, but definitely in the sense of determining whether or not a life is invaluable. I have sinned. I got angry and lashed out at someone who did not deserve it. I spent more time watching a movie than communicating with my Father. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I spent more time worrying about my success in school/work/etc. than cultivating the friendships I so fervently cherish. I have given in to destruction on a daily basis. Sadly, I fail so often to recognize the need to value Life… not just breath, although that is infinitely precious. Rather, I am speaking of an abundance in Life, a partaking of a new Nature that denies the destruction of souls through its very existence… if only I were a bit more disciplined in practicing its fullness. Oh, how free I desperately long to be. I want to scream, cry, laugh, and be still all at once. I want to run with abandonment, dance without shame, and rest without guilt overpowering the sweet sensation of stillness. My heart yearns to be known, to be known and cherished, and to be cherished both despite and because of who I am. I am excited about this journey that I am on, but I am afraid, too, like a strange form of anticipation where peace somehow mingles with a little taste of impatience. I cannot really describe the sensation. I just know that I’m ready. For what, I don’t know. But I am ready. God rest my soul; here I come.”

With all my heart, I believe God’s Grace is real. I believe that It is big, but the majority of my efforts to embrace It are only half-hearted. Partly because I want to be strong enough and good enough on my own and partly because I don’t want to let go of what is comfortable. I SAY I want to change, but do I really? If I do, why don’t I act upon it? Or how about if I THINK I am acting upon it, but in reality am not? What is it about repentance that scares me so much? What is it about the sin that destroys me that is so appealing I’d do almost anything to cling to its darkness? Why am I so afraid of Light? Because it will reveal what really is? Because someone might not like me? Because hiding will no longer be possible? Because I will be vulnerable?

I smell of fear. In fact, I REEK of it, and the only remedy for such a stench is to bathe in the LIGHT of Grace and Truth. Though, I think I would actually prefer to drown… to be out of breath because Truth has stolen it away. But the water is always cold at first, and wading in takes time. I mean seriously, why don’t I just jump? It's not like the waves aren't big enough to catch me. I mean, isn't that what every girl wants?

…to be “swept off her feet”.

© September 2008